David Cameron stuck his bits in a severed pig’s head, allegedly

It’s been a while since my last post on here. I know, I’ve let you all down. But come on, I’ve been busy, give me a break. I started a new job, it was my birthday, I went to New York, I’ve been doing things. But I’m back now. And do you want to know what dragged me back from the shadows? The news that David Cameron “allegedly” stuck his meat and two veg in a severed pig’s head while he was at university. I don’t know about you, but I can’t think of a better reason for me to return.

So yeah, apparently old Dave once got a bit intimate with a pig’s head back in the day. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d be writing on here when I set this blog up. But here we are. This is the world we’re living in, so let’s get on with the show.

The allegation was broken late last night by none other than the Daily Mail, who are serialising Conservative donor Lord Ashcroft’s unauthorised biography of David Cameron, Call Me Dave (what a ridiculous name for a book, by the way). Apparently as some sort of initiation for the exclusive and secretive Piers Gaveston Dining Club, Dave “inserted a private part of his anatomy into a dead pig’s mouth”.

While the traditional media has been pretty selective over its coverage of this revelation, you can’t escape it online. Everywhere you turn, every time you scroll through Twitter or Facebook, you’re reminded about this. Let it seep into your memory, burn into your retinas, you’re never getting this image out of your head.

Unsurprisingly, a number of notable Tories have come out in defence of Cameron. One of the most popular responses is the age old “Oh he was young, we’ve all done silly things in our youth”, and to be fair, this is sort of true.

Young people are stupid, we can all agree on that. We’ve all done stupid things in our youth, especially while at university. This year’s freshers will soon be drinking themselves to oblivion and making decisions they’ll regret in the morning. I did my fair share of stupid stuff at uni too, and I still do stupid stuff now. I never stuck my bits into a severed pig’s head though, and I can’t say I ever will, thank you very much.

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So yeah, apparently this was an initiation process for one of those posh people only clubs that all the Tories seem to have been part of. I was in a couple of societies while I was in my first year of uni. I was in the radio society and the ultimate frisbee team. I know, pretty cool, right? In the frisbee team we even used to fill a frisbee full of beer and drink out of that. We thought we were pretty wild. No pigs heads though, leave that to the Tories.

Some people have come out saying that this is all in the past and that we shouldn’t be focussing on what he did when he was younger, because it isn’t related to what he’s doing now. The irony of this, however, is that the Tories and the right-wing press love digging up “dirt” from other politicians’ pasts – it’s exactly what they’re doing with Jeremy Corbyn now. They also love focussing on irrelevant things, like how Ed Miliband used to eat a bacon butty. But you can’t say anything about poor little Dave, oh no, that’s not cool. Hypocritical doesn’t even come close. If it had been old Jez Corbs who’d stuck his bits in a pig, you can bet your life that the Tories wouldn’t let him forget it.

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Official spokespeople for Number 10 have come out and said that Dave isn’t even going to comment on the accusations, because they’re ridiculous. That’s the thing though, isn’t it. It doesn’t even matter if it’s true or not, the thought has been planted now. For the rest of time, whenever we see David Cameron and his smug face, all we’ll be thinking is “I wonder if he did it? I wonder if he really stuck his bits in a severed pig’s head?” That will stick with him forever.

The thing is, as funny as this allegation is, and as much as I hate David Cameron and his shiny, smug face, it’s not what we should be focussing on right now. We should be focussing on all the terrible things the Tories are doing. Screwing over junior doctors in the NHS, cutting benefits for people who need them most, and all sorts of other things, all while greasing the pockets of the sort of people who probably also stuck their bits in pigs as part of ultra secret posh university society initiations.

I’m not saying we can’t enjoy watching Dave squirm and try to weasel his way out of this scandal, because I’ve already got my popcorn ready, but let’s not let this just be an unusual distraction, taking our attention away from the important issues.

Still, it is funny though. David Cameron, more like David Hameron, amirite?